Do you......

Do you

do you see me...looking..searching..longing to be loved

to be able  to show all the parts of me

the parts that no one has seen

the parts that are too tender to display

too delicate for all the world to see

Can you

can you feel me

so much inside that I want to give

so much that I long to express

so much love and tenderness if you are willing to accept

yet feeling if I do....it will go unreceived

Do you

do you know me

my love of nature and the beauty that surrounds us

my genuine love of people...wanting to be of use

feeling every emotion around me, seeping inside me

filling me up...taking it all in....until I finally scream...

I must rest, hide me away, I need to find myself

Do you

do you want me

want me to be the person I am meant to be

the person that is struggling 

trying to escape the chrysalis that surrounds me

wanting to spread my wings

to finally enjoy freedom and flight

Please see me

Lessons learned

My mother wrote me an email after my last post.  It was rather insightful actually.  She talked about my decision not to go to college after graduating.  It was a strange time.  We moved right after I graduated and moved to Eastern Oregon.  That summer was filled with lots of packing...endless packing.  The books that my mother and father had collected was astounding.  And of course the boxes could not be too big or NO ONE could lift them.  I am sure others were around helping to pack also but I can't remember them.

I do remember my younger sister Ruth.  She was going to be a senior and did not want to move.  She did not help pack...this I do remember.  She spent the summer going to girls camp, and hanging out with her friends and swimming....anything to avoid packing and the impending move away from her childhood home.  At the time I did not think about it...could not think about it or I would not been so happy.  At the time I just did what needed to be done.  So my mother and I packed and packed and packed.

A few years before that my mother had had leg surgery to remove some vein in her legs.  Back then the procedure was not so pleasant.  They made a small incision at the top of the vein and the bottom and slurped that puppy out.  That might not have been so bad except for the fact that the blood now had to find another way to get around.  This was not pleasant. When my mother got home she went straight to bed with her legs wrapped tightly with ace bandages.  These needed to be changed several times a day, which I remember helping with at least twice a day...then washing the bandages out in the sink.

After we moved to Oregon my father stayed in California to continue working in his OB/GYN practice leaving my mother and I, along with my sister and younger brother Brian  behind.  I had enrolled in cosmetology school and so we settled in.  My mother started  an amazing journey of her own.  She had a thirst for spiritual knowledge that could not be quenched.  I can remember her driving me to school and picking me up at night, which quickly turned into me driving myself.  She sat at the kitchen table for what would turn into hours.  I would get up and make sure the others got to school, and my mother ate, then go to school.  Return home at lunch to fix her lunch, then return home to find something to fix for dinner....always finding her in the same place at the table.  And almost as frequently she stayed there reading and writing into the late hours of the night.

My mother reminded me of this in her email.  Telling me what an immense help I had been to her then.    I had no idea really at the time, but looking back I can see that that is where I needed to be.  

I did not finish beauty school there...I got sick with mono and after taking a few months off, I went back to the school to find that all of my things had been distributed to the other students.  Yeah I was not so happy.  But I did learn how unimportant I was there...and I was desperately needed at home.   

I am not sorry for one minute for helping when I was needed, and am grateful that I was available.  It would seem that there is a reason for where we are, at times in our lives.  Reasons to be there whether to learn a lesson or to be of service to someone....or often times both.  I am not really sure why I am where I am, at the moment....if I am serving...or learning.  I think I am learning, I just have not discovered what the lessons are yet that I need to learn.  I am pretty sure I have already learned patience and compassion....maybe this time it is patience and compassion for myself...maybe one of the hardest lessons of all.

....What do I want to be when I grow up?

What is it that causes some of us in life to take things as they come...never looking ahead or behind wondering what we might be in for next.  There are some that never question, but just know with a perfect understanding that things will work out.  Maybe not the way we would choose, but for the best.  That there is a greater source that is over seeing all that we do.  And then there are those of us that must and do question everything that we are faced with.  Why did this happen, who caused it, why did it happen to me or us, what could I have done to prevent this from taking place...???

I have been doing a lot of talking with my husband lately, about life and it's ups and downs. Trying to figure out in my own mind why some things are the way that they are.  I am a firm believer that we are products of our environment up to a certain point.   We are given tools and experiences when we are young that can play a key role in our future, for the positive or not so positive.  My husband was telling me that he grew up being told that he could be anything, accomplish anything, and do anything that he wanted to if he tried hard enough.  His parents both worked and so much of the time he and his siblings were often times alone, not neglected, but alone with each other.  He did develop a very independent  lifestyle.  Having a job almost full time since he was about 10 off and on.  He still is very independent and very hard working.

I grew up with six siblings.  My oldest brother is very successful, has his own law practice.  He was also the only child for about 4 years.  I am certain that he was told that he could do and be anything that he desired.  He is an amazing man.  I was sprinkled into the mix as child #5, with a father going to school to specialize in OB/GYN, something that he loved.   I was in no way neglected physically and I had a generally happy childhood.  But somewhere in the process of growing up, I missed the memo that I could be or do anything that I wanted.  When it came time for me to go to college, I applied and got accepted to Rick's college.  At the time my father was helping to put my brother in law through school, my cousin that had come to live with us my sophomore year through school, and I believe my older brother.  

I never did go to College.  Looking at all my father was taking care of I was determined that I would not also be a burden on him financially.  I am sure that he would have been unhappy if he knew the reason I did not go, but at the time I could not do it.  I later worked for him in his practice taking care of his front receptionist duties, and his book keeping.  I will always cherish the time that I spent with him working with him.  But there has always been something missing...a yearning that I have felt for a long time that something is missing, that there was something I was supposed to become that has not happened yet.  People ask me what I am doing now.  It is a very strange place to be.  Our three oldest are married and going to school having babies of their own, and I still have a 12 year old that needs lots of attention.   Do I go to school now?  My husband says I am the best debater he knows...not necessarily meant as a compliment.. and I should have been an attorney.   I would have LOVED to have been an actress, yes I am also very animated at times.  Or a model but never had the confidence that I was enough.

I have never felt like I am enough......not pretty enough, not smart enough, not strong enough.   But all that is bull shit.  Either learned from someone or self imposed, but it is bull shit  all the same.  Some of us learn not to trust ourselves, some of us learn not to share our feelings with others because the pain is just too much, some learn to love too much to prove that they are lovable.

I have come to know that I am enough.  I am smart, and amazing, and beautiful, and strong, and sexy,  and kind, and lovable, and enough.  More than enough.  But more importantly that I can be and do anything that I want.  That what I become is up to me.  That my happiness is up to me and not dependent on someone else.  

I was telling my son just yesterday how smart and capable he is.  That he is selling himself short by not being what he truly is.  And a week before that as I was crying in the kitchen and he came up and just gave me a big hug...I told him how much his future wife will love that soft sensitive part of him and not to lose it or stuff it away.  

Be sure and tell you kids, and yourself, how amazing they are, how capable they are, and how lovable they are, and more importantly that they can do and be and become anything that they wish.  Life is too short to wait till your my age to discover that anything is possible.  JUST TRY!!

Casting Crowns - Broken Together (Official Music Video)

There have been many many times in my life, and I am certain in your's when we have been faced with  disappointments, or frustrations self imposed or inflicted by others.  It is so very difficult to step back and take an honest view of life...humans are after all only human.  It has been a struggle for me to be honest with myself and see that much of my discomfort was self imposed.  But in my own defense...I never learned another way.  So many of us only know one way.  Let us try to help each other along the way.  The way does not need to be hard, or painful, or lonely.....Let's be broken together and learn another way.