This is part of my astrology chart: Just like the crab Cancer represents, you may have the habit of looking ahead and behind you at the same time, not fully wanting to face the future head-on and always worrying about the past and what might be sneaking up on you from behind, causing you great worry.
I have felt just like this for the past 3 years. My life has been such a rolorcoaster ride, that I have desperately at times, wanted the world to stop so that I could climb off. I have had amazing moments and ones that I thought I would never recover from. A friend once told me that he saw me as Stands With Fists, from the movie Dances With Wolves. And at the time I did agree. I felt as though I was standing against the world waiting for things to change and be at peace and in my favor.
I have been searching, searching, searching for enlightenment into the dispair I desperately want to escape from. I have been listening and searching on the internet for any idea that I might integrate into my life to have a little more peace, in my heart as well as my mind. I have listened to people talking about changing our lives through thought and mind. fascinating really when you think about it. I have felt like a victim for so very long. Always making decisions based on what others would want and enjoy. Rarely thinking about what I would like to do. And when I did think about myself I felt guilty.
One of the talks given by Dr. Wayne Dyer - Your Thoughts are Creating Your Reality, resonated with me to my very core. He talks about rocks and water, and which is stronger. The rocks will always erode with the touch of constant water covering ever part of their surface. Water being one of the softest known things...the more you try to hold it, the stronger you are towards it, the less control you have over it. Yet the softest thing, while gently applying itself, getting into every tiny space that is open to it, will eventually break even the hardest thing.
Many of my difficulties of the past few years have been because of my wanting to be like a rock. Standing strong, facing things as head on as possible, often times with very little success. I have decided that I WILL be water. Softer, kinder, less judgmental and more forgiving. Yet not losing myself in the process...but being more of my true self.
I wrote a short email to my brother today, saying that I was sorry about a situation that arose while we were moving my parents. Stating that I no longer had hard feelings towards him and hoping that we could heal as a family. I don't expect to hear from him, but I wanted him to know that I had let go of the feelings that I had held for so very long.
hopefully I can stay soft........
