To see as a child

Maybe there is a reason that I love children so much.
Yes they are small and beautiful and smell of heaven.
But when they look at someone, they see with perfect eyes.
Non judgmental eyes that only see what is.
When you ask them a question it comes straight from the heart
without judgment or worldly influence.
When children say things that others might take offense to,
I just smile... Knowing they they are being true to themselves.

When my grand daughters look at me I am seen...
they never hesitate to give me a smile and a love.
Remi who is 3 months... I am almost always able to get her to smile
and even to laugh.

Mae will come and sit by me, and lie her head on my shoulder
which she is very selective of doing. When she has something to share
I love how she does so willingly.  I love her independence, and her fierceness
with which she faces life, and the joy that she brings into my world.

People who are awake are able to see you for what is
and not what they would like you to be.   Children are awake...

I would have had 10 children if I could have, but it is so amazing
and something so very special, to see your children's children.  They are amazing...
And I am very blessed

Sheep...

We had a mask once, that was sent back from Japan, when my brother was there for a time.  It hung on the wall in our basement as you descended the stairs into the room below.  It hung there for a while and no one thought anything about it.  There came a time when I had begun to not feel well.  As a result I spent much of my time in that room resting and watching television to pass the time.  I remember being so weak and nauseous and not wanting to sleep in my bedroom...just sleep there.  I asked some friends if they would give me a blessing.  One of them , Tom, said absolutely!  Blessings are just floating around.  I was so taken aback by his confidence and understanding.  And they gave me a blessing right then and there.  I did  start to feel better, but not as I should have.

My mother has always been very spiritual.  Always having intuition about  things.  I remember one day, she came downstairs, telling me how concerned she was that I had been sick for so very long.  After a time she was climbing the stairs to leave, and she stopped.  Just stopped, and then continued up the stairs, and I fell asleep.  Not soon after I began to start to feel better, and was able to begin to be myself once again.....and I noticed that mask was gone.

I asked my mom about it, and she told me she threw it in the fireplace.  She said as she was leaving that day, she stopped on the stairs...having an amazingly bad feeling that was coming from that mask.  After I was sleeping she came and removed it and threw it in the fire.  And she watched it burn...the fire lapping it up becoming stronger as it was consumed.   She said as soon as it was gone I began to feel better.

What if she had not been attuned to the energy around her...had not been open to the understanding that there is evil in this world whether we choose to see it or not.    If she had not opened herself to that knowing that we all possess inside of us if we choose to see it.

God does not want us to remain as sheep.  Alway relying on others to show us the way or to tell us what to do or how to think.  He wants us to grow and to become enlightened to the energies that surround us.  The trouble is that mainstream does not want us to think for ourselves.  Society as a whole likes us to think like sheep...so we are easier to lead around...like sheep.  We need to wake up...it is imperative that we wake up and begin to know for ourselves, to think for ourselves.  Wake up and be aware so that we can feed his sheep, and help them to see also.

The world is an amazingly beautiful place...let's wake up and see all that there is to see.  Then let's encourage the beauty to grow and to thrive...choking out the weeds that surround us.  I don't want to see like a sheep any longer....do you?

Hold me close, and don't let go

I have always loved being hugged.  When my father would give me big huge bear hugs at night before going to bed...I loved them.  Having him close and feeling him squeeze me until I could barely breath.  Then relief at being able to take in air again, yet wishing that he would keep squeezing me tight.  

There is something about the closeness of a hug that I think we all long for.  Being that close to another human.  Feeling their warmth and love.  And then we grow older and the hugs turn into more of a token, quick, well if I must touch you sort of gesture.  The quick half hearted squeeze that we give someone as they or we are going to be away for a long time.  Letting them know that yes, you will be missed.

As I got older I learned to really appreciate a sincere hug.  Giving another a genuine hug, arms wrapped around another letting them know that they were missed or loved.  Or perhaps to let another know that we feel their pain and that we feel just a little bit what they must be going through.  Or perhaps that we don't know their pain, but want to let them know that we still care, in any way that we can. 

There have been times in my life when faced with difficulties, that I have ached inside for someone, anyone, to see my pain and to give me a long knowing hug.  And times when I have been so happy and excited that I would have loved to throw my arms around another's neck and share my joy with them.

My son, who is almost 13, is wonderful at giving hugs.  I love when he comes up to me, and for no reason gives me a long loving hug.  Sometimes more often than not, also including the words, I love you...you are an amazing mom.  I know he will make a wonderful partner some day to a lucky someone, but for now I will take every hug that he is willing to share with me.  He will soon tower over me, and will have to lean down to my level.  I hope he never forgets to lean down, and really appreciate what a true hug is.

In HIS Arms

Hold me close and don't let go

invite me in to you

wrap your arms around me

envelope me, surround me with your love

holding me close breathing me in

strong, supportive, masculine

everything I have been longing for

you hold me and I relax into you

fully, completely, letting go of the world around me

melting into you like a flower floating on a stream

fully and completely supported

not needing to be anything but what I am

I feel you, taking me in, breathing me in

my energy becoming a part of you

you lift me up, out of myself

thoughts and ideas fleeing from my head

being,  just being

as I soften into you

I feel you...pulling me close

letting me know that you will not let me fall

you are strong, immovable, my strength

Make A List

searching for the pieces of me

longing to find 

the missing parts

that one day would fill

the empty spaces

within my soul 

places that I could never fill

there is a yearning

of what I could never say

never being able 

to put a voice to what was inside

feeling, aching, longing for more

never really understanding

that what was

is not what ultimately could be

never running from

always  moving towards

not to be free of what is

but to embrace what could be

make a list,,,,tell me what you want

what things in your life

do you want to take with you

things have never really been

all that important to me

looking at the things in my life

what would I keep if I had to choose

the feeling of swaying in the moonlight

wrapped in a warm embrace

being led into ecstasy

as we become one dancing together 

the memories of seeing

what once was but two cells

now entering into the world

miraculously  formed into love perfected

the memory of helping another

that could not help themselves

seeing the light in their eyes

as they come to realize

that I am not here for gain

but only to give

expecting nothing in return

seeing the beauty in the world

it abounds all around me

majestic trees that sway in the breeze

sweet sounds of birds that sing to me

as they rest in her branches

the soft and gentle sounds

of the brook as it makes it's way

over the rocks and pebbles

hearing the rustling of the grass

as it dances on the wind

grass up to my waist

reaching up to my fingers

caressing them from the soil below

connecting me to the world

grounding me in her beauty

things cannot go

but feelings, memories

LOVE....that is what I choose

A woman's heart

A woman's heart

is a mysterious thing

full of hope

waiting to love

longing to be let in

hoping beyond hope

it is full of love

and laughter

tears and sadness

tenderness that you can only imagine

wanting to be loved

aching to be held

needing to know...that she is

the light in your eyes

the beat of your heart

the wings that give you flight

that she is the stars in your sky

that when you feel the breeze

it reminds you of her fingers

gentle on your cheek

she needs to know

that you will always be there

when everyone else fails her

you will be there

with tenderness in your eyes

to dry her tears

and hold her, gentle in your arms

she needs to know

that she IS your world

that without her you would be lost

that there is no room in your heart

for anyone but her

and show her, that she is your everything

really show her

and she will be....your everything

more than you could never imagine

let me be your everything

Do you......

Do you

do you see me...looking..searching..longing to be loved

to be able  to show all the parts of me

the parts that no one has seen

the parts that are too tender to display

too delicate for all the world to see

Can you

can you feel me

so much inside that I want to give

so much that I long to express

so much love and tenderness if you are willing to accept

yet feeling if I do....it will go unreceived

Do you

do you know me

my love of nature and the beauty that surrounds us

my genuine love of people...wanting to be of use

feeling every emotion around me, seeping inside me

filling me up...taking it all in....until I finally scream...

I must rest, hide me away, I need to find myself

Do you

do you want me

want me to be the person I am meant to be

the person that is struggling 

trying to escape the chrysalis that surrounds me

wanting to spread my wings

to finally enjoy freedom and flight

Please see me

Lessons learned

My mother wrote me an email after my last post.  It was rather insightful actually.  She talked about my decision not to go to college after graduating.  It was a strange time.  We moved right after I graduated and moved to Eastern Oregon.  That summer was filled with lots of packing...endless packing.  The books that my mother and father had collected was astounding.  And of course the boxes could not be too big or NO ONE could lift them.  I am sure others were around helping to pack also but I can't remember them.

I do remember my younger sister Ruth.  She was going to be a senior and did not want to move.  She did not help pack...this I do remember.  She spent the summer going to girls camp, and hanging out with her friends and swimming....anything to avoid packing and the impending move away from her childhood home.  At the time I did not think about it...could not think about it or I would not been so happy.  At the time I just did what needed to be done.  So my mother and I packed and packed and packed.

A few years before that my mother had had leg surgery to remove some vein in her legs.  Back then the procedure was not so pleasant.  They made a small incision at the top of the vein and the bottom and slurped that puppy out.  That might not have been so bad except for the fact that the blood now had to find another way to get around.  This was not pleasant. When my mother got home she went straight to bed with her legs wrapped tightly with ace bandages.  These needed to be changed several times a day, which I remember helping with at least twice a day...then washing the bandages out in the sink.

After we moved to Oregon my father stayed in California to continue working in his OB/GYN practice leaving my mother and I, along with my sister and younger brother Brian  behind.  I had enrolled in cosmetology school and so we settled in.  My mother started  an amazing journey of her own.  She had a thirst for spiritual knowledge that could not be quenched.  I can remember her driving me to school and picking me up at night, which quickly turned into me driving myself.  She sat at the kitchen table for what would turn into hours.  I would get up and make sure the others got to school, and my mother ate, then go to school.  Return home at lunch to fix her lunch, then return home to find something to fix for dinner....always finding her in the same place at the table.  And almost as frequently she stayed there reading and writing into the late hours of the night.

My mother reminded me of this in her email.  Telling me what an immense help I had been to her then.    I had no idea really at the time, but looking back I can see that that is where I needed to be.  

I did not finish beauty school there...I got sick with mono and after taking a few months off, I went back to the school to find that all of my things had been distributed to the other students.  Yeah I was not so happy.  But I did learn how unimportant I was there...and I was desperately needed at home.   

I am not sorry for one minute for helping when I was needed, and am grateful that I was available.  It would seem that there is a reason for where we are, at times in our lives.  Reasons to be there whether to learn a lesson or to be of service to someone....or often times both.  I am not really sure why I am where I am, at the moment....if I am serving...or learning.  I think I am learning, I just have not discovered what the lessons are yet that I need to learn.  I am pretty sure I have already learned patience and compassion....maybe this time it is patience and compassion for myself...maybe one of the hardest lessons of all.

....What do I want to be when I grow up?

What is it that causes some of us in life to take things as they come...never looking ahead or behind wondering what we might be in for next.  There are some that never question, but just know with a perfect understanding that things will work out.  Maybe not the way we would choose, but for the best.  That there is a greater source that is over seeing all that we do.  And then there are those of us that must and do question everything that we are faced with.  Why did this happen, who caused it, why did it happen to me or us, what could I have done to prevent this from taking place...???

I have been doing a lot of talking with my husband lately, about life and it's ups and downs. Trying to figure out in my own mind why some things are the way that they are.  I am a firm believer that we are products of our environment up to a certain point.   We are given tools and experiences when we are young that can play a key role in our future, for the positive or not so positive.  My husband was telling me that he grew up being told that he could be anything, accomplish anything, and do anything that he wanted to if he tried hard enough.  His parents both worked and so much of the time he and his siblings were often times alone, not neglected, but alone with each other.  He did develop a very independent  lifestyle.  Having a job almost full time since he was about 10 off and on.  He still is very independent and very hard working.

I grew up with six siblings.  My oldest brother is very successful, has his own law practice.  He was also the only child for about 4 years.  I am certain that he was told that he could do and be anything that he desired.  He is an amazing man.  I was sprinkled into the mix as child #5, with a father going to school to specialize in OB/GYN, something that he loved.   I was in no way neglected physically and I had a generally happy childhood.  But somewhere in the process of growing up, I missed the memo that I could be or do anything that I wanted.  When it came time for me to go to college, I applied and got accepted to Rick's college.  At the time my father was helping to put my brother in law through school, my cousin that had come to live with us my sophomore year through school, and I believe my older brother.  

I never did go to College.  Looking at all my father was taking care of I was determined that I would not also be a burden on him financially.  I am sure that he would have been unhappy if he knew the reason I did not go, but at the time I could not do it.  I later worked for him in his practice taking care of his front receptionist duties, and his book keeping.  I will always cherish the time that I spent with him working with him.  But there has always been something missing...a yearning that I have felt for a long time that something is missing, that there was something I was supposed to become that has not happened yet.  People ask me what I am doing now.  It is a very strange place to be.  Our three oldest are married and going to school having babies of their own, and I still have a 12 year old that needs lots of attention.   Do I go to school now?  My husband says I am the best debater he knows...not necessarily meant as a compliment.. and I should have been an attorney.   I would have LOVED to have been an actress, yes I am also very animated at times.  Or a model but never had the confidence that I was enough.

I have never felt like I am enough......not pretty enough, not smart enough, not strong enough.   But all that is bull shit.  Either learned from someone or self imposed, but it is bull shit  all the same.  Some of us learn not to trust ourselves, some of us learn not to share our feelings with others because the pain is just too much, some learn to love too much to prove that they are lovable.

I have come to know that I am enough.  I am smart, and amazing, and beautiful, and strong, and sexy,  and kind, and lovable, and enough.  More than enough.  But more importantly that I can be and do anything that I want.  That what I become is up to me.  That my happiness is up to me and not dependent on someone else.  

I was telling my son just yesterday how smart and capable he is.  That he is selling himself short by not being what he truly is.  And a week before that as I was crying in the kitchen and he came up and just gave me a big hug...I told him how much his future wife will love that soft sensitive part of him and not to lose it or stuff it away.  

Be sure and tell you kids, and yourself, how amazing they are, how capable they are, and how lovable they are, and more importantly that they can do and be and become anything that they wish.  Life is too short to wait till your my age to discover that anything is possible.  JUST TRY!!

Casting Crowns - Broken Together (Official Music Video)

There have been many many times in my life, and I am certain in your's when we have been faced with  disappointments, or frustrations self imposed or inflicted by others.  It is so very difficult to step back and take an honest view of life...humans are after all only human.  It has been a struggle for me to be honest with myself and see that much of my discomfort was self imposed.  But in my own defense...I never learned another way.  So many of us only know one way.  Let us try to help each other along the way.  The way does not need to be hard, or painful, or lonely.....Let's be broken together and learn another way.

You get what you get, and you don't throw a fit.... NOT!

Are we products of our environment, or have we created that which  is what we call our life.  Many people would say that life is beyond our control, that we just have to go with the flow...we get what we get and we don't throw a fit!

If we believe that this planet and everything on it was created by God, or a greater being, or the Creator, or whatever you would like to call it, then is it safe to say that everything here is made of energy and gives off an energy frequency?  We meet people everyday wherever we go, and there are just certain people that give off an amazing energy.  There are also people that give off amazingly negative energy.  There are also people that give off no energy and are just flatlined.  Often when you go into a room or a home, you can feel the frequency of that home and the people that live there.  We often hear of some one going to a home and feeling loved and welcomed, and other times feeling a very negative frequency, telling us if we are listening, that this is not a good place to be.

Dr. Masura Emoto, did a study in 1994 on Water...just water.  It came from a distillery and was used to supply  hospitals their sterile water, meaning that it was hopefully pure and without contaminates.  He froze it and looked at it under a microscope to see what the structure looked like.  There was very little shape or form to it in it's present form.

He then labeled different bottles  with different words,  and combinations of words to see if there would be any effect to the water.  It turns out that water knows....water feels the vibration of words.  Words have power!  For the positive or the negative.  Some of the results were these:

You disgust me

You fool

Evil

Obviously these words are all negative, or give off negative energy.  It really is fascinating how different each image is.  Truly unique  unto itself.    Likewise it is equally as interesting how different the results were from the bottles that were labeled with positive words.

Eternal

Love and Gratitude

Truth

Thank You

We often hear it said that people will become what you tell them, and how you treat them.  If the body is made up of 70% water....what are we doing to not only each other, but to OURSELVES?

Do we express our gratitude and thanks for what we are blessed with in our lives, or do we have a tendency to look on the negative?    We all know the saying...."If Mama a'int happy, a'int nobody happy".  Sadly there is a scientific reason behind it...but that goes for Papa's too!

I know life can be difficult and things in life can often seem unfair.  But how we look at things, and whether we hold on to the negative as if it were a lifeboat or are able to see the beauty in all that is, will truly make us either happy and at peace, or bitter and angry.  Everything has energy and a frequency....I guess it all depends on where you want yours to be.

I want to be the person that comes into the room and makes everyone feel  positive energy.  Not the person that is avoided because you can "FEEL" the negative energy radiating out of them.


I think I am going to have to get me one of these....the water in me needs all the help it can get!!

http://www.masaru-emoto.net/english/water-crystal.html