I have been doing a lot of talking with my husband lately, about life and it's ups and downs. Trying to figure out in my own mind why some things are the way that they are. I am a firm believer that we are products of our environment up to a certain point. We are given tools and experiences when we are young that can play a key role in our future, for the positive or not so positive. My husband was telling me that he grew up being told that he could be anything, accomplish anything, and do anything that he wanted to if he tried hard enough. His parents both worked and so much of the time he and his siblings were often times alone, not neglected, but alone with each other. He did develop a very independent lifestyle. Having a job almost full time since he was about 10 off and on. He still is very independent and very hard working.
I grew up with six siblings. My oldest brother is very successful, has his own law practice. He was also the only child for about 4 years. I am certain that he was told that he could do and be anything that he desired. He is an amazing man. I was sprinkled into the mix as child #5, with a father going to school to specialize in OB/GYN, something that he loved. I was in no way neglected physically and I had a generally happy childhood. But somewhere in the process of growing up, I missed the memo that I could be or do anything that I wanted. When it came time for me to go to college, I applied and got accepted to Rick's college. At the time my father was helping to put my brother in law through school, my cousin that had come to live with us my sophomore year through school, and I believe my older brother.
I never did go to College. Looking at all my father was taking care of I was determined that I would not also be a burden on him financially. I am sure that he would have been unhappy if he knew the reason I did not go, but at the time I could not do it. I later worked for him in his practice taking care of his front receptionist duties, and his book keeping. I will always cherish the time that I spent with him working with him. But there has always been something missing...a yearning that I have felt for a long time that something is missing, that there was something I was supposed to become that has not happened yet. People ask me what I am doing now. It is a very strange place to be. Our three oldest are married and going to school having babies of their own, and I still have a 12 year old that needs lots of attention. Do I go to school now? My husband says I am the best debater he knows...not necessarily meant as a compliment.. and I should have been an attorney. I would have LOVED to have been an actress, yes I am also very animated at times. Or a model but never had the confidence that I was enough.
I have never felt like I am enough......not pretty enough, not smart enough, not strong enough. But all that is bull shit. Either learned from someone or self imposed, but it is bull shit all the same. Some of us learn not to trust ourselves, some of us learn not to share our feelings with others because the pain is just too much, some learn to love too much to prove that they are lovable.
I have come to know that I am enough. I am smart, and amazing, and beautiful, and strong, and sexy, and kind, and lovable, and enough. More than enough. But more importantly that I can be and do anything that I want. That what I become is up to me. That my happiness is up to me and not dependent on someone else.
I was telling my son just yesterday how smart and capable he is. That he is selling himself short by not being what he truly is. And a week before that as I was crying in the kitchen and he came up and just gave me a big hug...I told him how much his future wife will love that soft sensitive part of him and not to lose it or stuff it away.
Be sure and tell you kids, and yourself, how amazing they are, how capable they are, and how lovable they are, and more importantly that they can do and be and become anything that they wish. Life is too short to wait till your my age to discover that anything is possible. JUST TRY!!
