Make A List

searching for the pieces of me

longing to find 

the missing parts

that one day would fill

the empty spaces

within my soul 

places that I could never fill

there is a yearning

of what I could never say

never being able 

to put a voice to what was inside

feeling, aching, longing for more

never really understanding

that what was

is not what ultimately could be

never running from

always  moving towards

not to be free of what is

but to embrace what could be

make a list,,,,tell me what you want

what things in your life

do you want to take with you

things have never really been

all that important to me

looking at the things in my life

what would I keep if I had to choose

the feeling of swaying in the moonlight

wrapped in a warm embrace

being led into ecstasy

as we become one dancing together 

the memories of seeing

what once was but two cells

now entering into the world

miraculously  formed into love perfected

the memory of helping another

that could not help themselves

seeing the light in their eyes

as they come to realize

that I am not here for gain

but only to give

expecting nothing in return

seeing the beauty in the world

it abounds all around me

majestic trees that sway in the breeze

sweet sounds of birds that sing to me

as they rest in her branches

the soft and gentle sounds

of the brook as it makes it's way

over the rocks and pebbles

hearing the rustling of the grass

as it dances on the wind

grass up to my waist

reaching up to my fingers

caressing them from the soil below

connecting me to the world

grounding me in her beauty

things cannot go

but feelings, memories

LOVE....that is what I choose

A woman's heart

A woman's heart

is a mysterious thing

full of hope

waiting to love

longing to be let in

hoping beyond hope

it is full of love

and laughter

tears and sadness

tenderness that you can only imagine

wanting to be loved

aching to be held

needing to know...that she is

the light in your eyes

the beat of your heart

the wings that give you flight

that she is the stars in your sky

that when you feel the breeze

it reminds you of her fingers

gentle on your cheek

she needs to know

that you will always be there

when everyone else fails her

you will be there

with tenderness in your eyes

to dry her tears

and hold her, gentle in your arms

she needs to know

that she IS your world

that without her you would be lost

that there is no room in your heart

for anyone but her

and show her, that she is your everything

really show her

and she will be....your everything

more than you could never imagine

let me be your everything

Do you......

Do you

do you see me...looking..searching..longing to be loved

to be able  to show all the parts of me

the parts that no one has seen

the parts that are too tender to display

too delicate for all the world to see

Can you

can you feel me

so much inside that I want to give

so much that I long to express

so much love and tenderness if you are willing to accept

yet feeling if I do....it will go unreceived

Do you

do you know me

my love of nature and the beauty that surrounds us

my genuine love of people...wanting to be of use

feeling every emotion around me, seeping inside me

filling me up...taking it all in....until I finally scream...

I must rest, hide me away, I need to find myself

Do you

do you want me

want me to be the person I am meant to be

the person that is struggling 

trying to escape the chrysalis that surrounds me

wanting to spread my wings

to finally enjoy freedom and flight

Please see me

Lessons learned

My mother wrote me an email after my last post.  It was rather insightful actually.  She talked about my decision not to go to college after graduating.  It was a strange time.  We moved right after I graduated and moved to Eastern Oregon.  That summer was filled with lots of packing...endless packing.  The books that my mother and father had collected was astounding.  And of course the boxes could not be too big or NO ONE could lift them.  I am sure others were around helping to pack also but I can't remember them.

I do remember my younger sister Ruth.  She was going to be a senior and did not want to move.  She did not help pack...this I do remember.  She spent the summer going to girls camp, and hanging out with her friends and swimming....anything to avoid packing and the impending move away from her childhood home.  At the time I did not think about it...could not think about it or I would not been so happy.  At the time I just did what needed to be done.  So my mother and I packed and packed and packed.

A few years before that my mother had had leg surgery to remove some vein in her legs.  Back then the procedure was not so pleasant.  They made a small incision at the top of the vein and the bottom and slurped that puppy out.  That might not have been so bad except for the fact that the blood now had to find another way to get around.  This was not pleasant. When my mother got home she went straight to bed with her legs wrapped tightly with ace bandages.  These needed to be changed several times a day, which I remember helping with at least twice a day...then washing the bandages out in the sink.

After we moved to Oregon my father stayed in California to continue working in his OB/GYN practice leaving my mother and I, along with my sister and younger brother Brian  behind.  I had enrolled in cosmetology school and so we settled in.  My mother started  an amazing journey of her own.  She had a thirst for spiritual knowledge that could not be quenched.  I can remember her driving me to school and picking me up at night, which quickly turned into me driving myself.  She sat at the kitchen table for what would turn into hours.  I would get up and make sure the others got to school, and my mother ate, then go to school.  Return home at lunch to fix her lunch, then return home to find something to fix for dinner....always finding her in the same place at the table.  And almost as frequently she stayed there reading and writing into the late hours of the night.

My mother reminded me of this in her email.  Telling me what an immense help I had been to her then.    I had no idea really at the time, but looking back I can see that that is where I needed to be.  

I did not finish beauty school there...I got sick with mono and after taking a few months off, I went back to the school to find that all of my things had been distributed to the other students.  Yeah I was not so happy.  But I did learn how unimportant I was there...and I was desperately needed at home.   

I am not sorry for one minute for helping when I was needed, and am grateful that I was available.  It would seem that there is a reason for where we are, at times in our lives.  Reasons to be there whether to learn a lesson or to be of service to someone....or often times both.  I am not really sure why I am where I am, at the moment....if I am serving...or learning.  I think I am learning, I just have not discovered what the lessons are yet that I need to learn.  I am pretty sure I have already learned patience and compassion....maybe this time it is patience and compassion for myself...maybe one of the hardest lessons of all.