....What do I want to be when I grow up?

What is it that causes some of us in life to take things as they come...never looking ahead or behind wondering what we might be in for next.  There are some that never question, but just know with a perfect understanding that things will work out.  Maybe not the way we would choose, but for the best.  That there is a greater source that is over seeing all that we do.  And then there are those of us that must and do question everything that we are faced with.  Why did this happen, who caused it, why did it happen to me or us, what could I have done to prevent this from taking place...???

I have been doing a lot of talking with my husband lately, about life and it's ups and downs. Trying to figure out in my own mind why some things are the way that they are.  I am a firm believer that we are products of our environment up to a certain point.   We are given tools and experiences when we are young that can play a key role in our future, for the positive or not so positive.  My husband was telling me that he grew up being told that he could be anything, accomplish anything, and do anything that he wanted to if he tried hard enough.  His parents both worked and so much of the time he and his siblings were often times alone, not neglected, but alone with each other.  He did develop a very independent  lifestyle.  Having a job almost full time since he was about 10 off and on.  He still is very independent and very hard working.

I grew up with six siblings.  My oldest brother is very successful, has his own law practice.  He was also the only child for about 4 years.  I am certain that he was told that he could do and be anything that he desired.  He is an amazing man.  I was sprinkled into the mix as child #5, with a father going to school to specialize in OB/GYN, something that he loved.   I was in no way neglected physically and I had a generally happy childhood.  But somewhere in the process of growing up, I missed the memo that I could be or do anything that I wanted.  When it came time for me to go to college, I applied and got accepted to Rick's college.  At the time my father was helping to put my brother in law through school, my cousin that had come to live with us my sophomore year through school, and I believe my older brother.  

I never did go to College.  Looking at all my father was taking care of I was determined that I would not also be a burden on him financially.  I am sure that he would have been unhappy if he knew the reason I did not go, but at the time I could not do it.  I later worked for him in his practice taking care of his front receptionist duties, and his book keeping.  I will always cherish the time that I spent with him working with him.  But there has always been something missing...a yearning that I have felt for a long time that something is missing, that there was something I was supposed to become that has not happened yet.  People ask me what I am doing now.  It is a very strange place to be.  Our three oldest are married and going to school having babies of their own, and I still have a 12 year old that needs lots of attention.   Do I go to school now?  My husband says I am the best debater he knows...not necessarily meant as a compliment.. and I should have been an attorney.   I would have LOVED to have been an actress, yes I am also very animated at times.  Or a model but never had the confidence that I was enough.

I have never felt like I am enough......not pretty enough, not smart enough, not strong enough.   But all that is bull shit.  Either learned from someone or self imposed, but it is bull shit  all the same.  Some of us learn not to trust ourselves, some of us learn not to share our feelings with others because the pain is just too much, some learn to love too much to prove that they are lovable.

I have come to know that I am enough.  I am smart, and amazing, and beautiful, and strong, and sexy,  and kind, and lovable, and enough.  More than enough.  But more importantly that I can be and do anything that I want.  That what I become is up to me.  That my happiness is up to me and not dependent on someone else.  

I was telling my son just yesterday how smart and capable he is.  That he is selling himself short by not being what he truly is.  And a week before that as I was crying in the kitchen and he came up and just gave me a big hug...I told him how much his future wife will love that soft sensitive part of him and not to lose it or stuff it away.  

Be sure and tell you kids, and yourself, how amazing they are, how capable they are, and how lovable they are, and more importantly that they can do and be and become anything that they wish.  Life is too short to wait till your my age to discover that anything is possible.  JUST TRY!!

Casting Crowns - Broken Together (Official Music Video)

There have been many many times in my life, and I am certain in your's when we have been faced with  disappointments, or frustrations self imposed or inflicted by others.  It is so very difficult to step back and take an honest view of life...humans are after all only human.  It has been a struggle for me to be honest with myself and see that much of my discomfort was self imposed.  But in my own defense...I never learned another way.  So many of us only know one way.  Let us try to help each other along the way.  The way does not need to be hard, or painful, or lonely.....Let's be broken together and learn another way.

You get what you get, and you don't throw a fit.... NOT!

Are we products of our environment, or have we created that which  is what we call our life.  Many people would say that life is beyond our control, that we just have to go with the flow...we get what we get and we don't throw a fit!

If we believe that this planet and everything on it was created by God, or a greater being, or the Creator, or whatever you would like to call it, then is it safe to say that everything here is made of energy and gives off an energy frequency?  We meet people everyday wherever we go, and there are just certain people that give off an amazing energy.  There are also people that give off amazingly negative energy.  There are also people that give off no energy and are just flatlined.  Often when you go into a room or a home, you can feel the frequency of that home and the people that live there.  We often hear of some one going to a home and feeling loved and welcomed, and other times feeling a very negative frequency, telling us if we are listening, that this is not a good place to be.

Dr. Masura Emoto, did a study in 1994 on Water...just water.  It came from a distillery and was used to supply  hospitals their sterile water, meaning that it was hopefully pure and without contaminates.  He froze it and looked at it under a microscope to see what the structure looked like.  There was very little shape or form to it in it's present form.

He then labeled different bottles  with different words,  and combinations of words to see if there would be any effect to the water.  It turns out that water knows....water feels the vibration of words.  Words have power!  For the positive or the negative.  Some of the results were these:

You disgust me

You fool

Evil

Obviously these words are all negative, or give off negative energy.  It really is fascinating how different each image is.  Truly unique  unto itself.    Likewise it is equally as interesting how different the results were from the bottles that were labeled with positive words.

Eternal

Love and Gratitude

Truth

Thank You

We often hear it said that people will become what you tell them, and how you treat them.  If the body is made up of 70% water....what are we doing to not only each other, but to OURSELVES?

Do we express our gratitude and thanks for what we are blessed with in our lives, or do we have a tendency to look on the negative?    We all know the saying...."If Mama a'int happy, a'int nobody happy".  Sadly there is a scientific reason behind it...but that goes for Papa's too!

I know life can be difficult and things in life can often seem unfair.  But how we look at things, and whether we hold on to the negative as if it were a lifeboat or are able to see the beauty in all that is, will truly make us either happy and at peace, or bitter and angry.  Everything has energy and a frequency....I guess it all depends on where you want yours to be.

I want to be the person that comes into the room and makes everyone feel  positive energy.  Not the person that is avoided because you can "FEEL" the negative energy radiating out of them.


I think I am going to have to get me one of these....the water in me needs all the help it can get!!

http://www.masaru-emoto.net/english/water-crystal.html

To Thrive - Not just Survive

If you always do, what you've always done...you will always get what you've always gotten.

Being ordinary...what does that mean?

It means going to school and getting good grades, going to college to become a productive citizen, going to work to provide for your family, paying your bills, going to church, taking care of your family, making dinner, going to soccer games, teaching children to pray and to love God...It means doing ALL those day to day to day activities.  All of those things that make life enjoyable and doable.

When people ask me about my childhood, and I think back, yes I was the fifth child of seven, and yes sometimes I did feel lost in the shuffle or not really noticed in all the daily activities, but I had a good childhood.  I did do my best to try to be good and not cause any extra trouble for my parents.  I tried to date good boys and to be home on time.  I tried to go to church and young women's and to be happy.  I tried to get good grades, and be responsible.  I truly tried to be a good daughter and sister and not be a burden to others.

Somewhere in my journey, these past 40+ years..and that is several ++...I feel like I lost myself. Don't get me wrong, I have loved being a wife and mother, and taking care of others.  I have always been good, at least in my mind, of taking care of others.  I remember when my mom had surgery, and was in bed for several days afterwards, I would come home from school and change the bandages on her legs and make sure she had something to eat.  I also remember coming home from school and helping watch my nephew, giving my mother a break, while my oldest sister was at work.  To me these were not chores or work, I did find happiness in serving others.   And after having kids, I have truly loved being a stay at home mom and taking care of my family.  Trying to make sure that I was there when they arrived home on the bus from school, to ask them how their day went....just like my mother did when I was younger.  But somewhere in the "doing" for others, I forgot to do for myself.

Curt and I have always tried to let the kids make their own decisions.  When they come to us with questions or concerns seeking advice, we would let them know how we felt and what we thought but we never flat out told them what to do.  It used to be very frustrating for them....just tell me what to do!!  But we all know that there comes a time when we all have to make our own decisions.  And there are still days when I just want to say..JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

Colton said something funny this morning.  He was eating a donut that Curt had brought home the night before.  It was maple glazed, and had bacon covering the top of it.  He was a little apprehensive but decided to go for it.  After a while he said, life as I know it has just been destroyed.  How can this be so good?   And I said, try to keep an open mind...life as you know it will be destroyed multiple times in your life.  Just try to keep an open mind.

There is a song by Switchfoot - Thrive.  There have been times in my life where I have felt just like this!  Deep within my soul!! I have been ordinary my entire life...remember ordinary is not a bad thing...but I am done being ordinary.  I want to be amazing, and I Am..Amazing.  We are all amazing, some of us just don't know that yet.  And some of us will spend a lifetime not knowing how amazing they truly are.

If you always do, what you've always done...you will always get what you have always gotten.....not anymore!  Not for me at least.