To Thrive - Not just Survive

If you always do, what you've always done...you will always get what you've always gotten.

Being ordinary...what does that mean?

It means going to school and getting good grades, going to college to become a productive citizen, going to work to provide for your family, paying your bills, going to church, taking care of your family, making dinner, going to soccer games, teaching children to pray and to love God...It means doing ALL those day to day to day activities.  All of those things that make life enjoyable and doable.

When people ask me about my childhood, and I think back, yes I was the fifth child of seven, and yes sometimes I did feel lost in the shuffle or not really noticed in all the daily activities, but I had a good childhood.  I did do my best to try to be good and not cause any extra trouble for my parents.  I tried to date good boys and to be home on time.  I tried to go to church and young women's and to be happy.  I tried to get good grades, and be responsible.  I truly tried to be a good daughter and sister and not be a burden to others.

Somewhere in my journey, these past 40+ years..and that is several ++...I feel like I lost myself. Don't get me wrong, I have loved being a wife and mother, and taking care of others.  I have always been good, at least in my mind, of taking care of others.  I remember when my mom had surgery, and was in bed for several days afterwards, I would come home from school and change the bandages on her legs and make sure she had something to eat.  I also remember coming home from school and helping watch my nephew, giving my mother a break, while my oldest sister was at work.  To me these were not chores or work, I did find happiness in serving others.   And after having kids, I have truly loved being a stay at home mom and taking care of my family.  Trying to make sure that I was there when they arrived home on the bus from school, to ask them how their day went....just like my mother did when I was younger.  But somewhere in the "doing" for others, I forgot to do for myself.

Curt and I have always tried to let the kids make their own decisions.  When they come to us with questions or concerns seeking advice, we would let them know how we felt and what we thought but we never flat out told them what to do.  It used to be very frustrating for them....just tell me what to do!!  But we all know that there comes a time when we all have to make our own decisions.  And there are still days when I just want to say..JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

Colton said something funny this morning.  He was eating a donut that Curt had brought home the night before.  It was maple glazed, and had bacon covering the top of it.  He was a little apprehensive but decided to go for it.  After a while he said, life as I know it has just been destroyed.  How can this be so good?   And I said, try to keep an open mind...life as you know it will be destroyed multiple times in your life.  Just try to keep an open mind.

There is a song by Switchfoot - Thrive.  There have been times in my life where I have felt just like this!  Deep within my soul!! I have been ordinary my entire life...remember ordinary is not a bad thing...but I am done being ordinary.  I want to be amazing, and I Am..Amazing.  We are all amazing, some of us just don't know that yet.  And some of us will spend a lifetime not knowing how amazing they truly are.

If you always do, what you've always done...you will always get what you have always gotten.....not anymore!  Not for me at least.  

Sloppy & Dirty

Life is not easy...in fact it can be downright difficult.  While the world is an amazing place full of wonder and beauty and yes even miracles, it is full of humans, and as humans we are not perfect.

Even if we strive every day to be kind and loving, living to the best of our abilities, life can get in the way.  In fact, I say a lot....I failed in some way because life got in the way.

Krista, John, and I were driving back from Reno after going over some of her wedding details, and it is an amazingly long drive.  John being the driving machine that he is did all the driving and I got to have the back seat all to myself.  This in and of itself is a rare thing...to have the back seat alone.  I must say it has it's good and bad points, but for the most part it was nice to be able to be quiet and think for a while.

To fill part of my time I watched Silver Linings Playbook on my laptop.  The laptop  my husband so generously gave me for Christmas 2 years ago.  It is based around two people who are both suffering from mental illness but to varying degrees, who become friends and then help each other discover who they really are.  Before they become friends,  they are out running, and  he calls her a big slut reminding her of all the bad choices she has made in the past, remember he is human and as humans we say things that we very often do not really intend to say, let alone mean.  She stops dead in her tracks, bending over not believing what he has just thrown back in her face.  He realizes what has just come out of his mouth and immediately apologizes, but the damage has been done.  And she says the most profound thing...."I was a big slut, but I am not that any more.  There is always going to be a part of me that is sloppy and dirty, but I like that!! Right along with all the other parts of myself!  Can you say the same about yourself?  Can you forgive?  Are you any good at that?"

Life is messy and sometimes dirty, and I am sloppy and dirty right there with the best of them.  But I am trying....trying be be a little better each day....trying to be a little softer and a little kinder each day.  Trying to find the beauty in the world and the people around me.  Trying to be more forgiving and less judgmental, knowing that EVERYONE is a little sloppy and dirty sometimes.  It just has a way of showing up better on some people.  So even though we may not see it....everyone is sloppy and dirty somewhere. The trick is to see the sloppy and dirty and try to clean it up once in a while.

After camping one deer season, we  got together with the rest of the hunting party to have dinner.  One of my husbands friends commented on how "I clean up nicely"....

That has been quite a while ago.  I hope I still clean up nicely....but I embrace my sloppy and dirty.  It along with all the rest of life has made me who I am today.  And I like it......

Can you say the same about yourself??

To be like water......that is my goal

This is part of my astrology chart:  Just like the crab Cancer represents, you may have the habit of looking ahead and behind you at the same time, not fully wanting to face the future head-on and always worrying about the past and what might be sneaking up on you from behind, causing you great worry.

I have felt just like this for the past 3 years.  My life has been such a rolorcoaster ride, that I have desperately at times, wanted the world to stop so that I could climb off.  I have had amazing moments and ones that I thought I would never recover from.  A friend once told me that he saw me as Stands With Fists, from the movie Dances With Wolves.  And at the time I did agree.  I felt as though I was standing against the world waiting for things to change and be at peace and in my favor.

I have been searching, searching, searching for enlightenment into the dispair I desperately want to escape from.  I have been listening and searching on the internet for any idea that I might integrate into my life to have a little more peace, in my heart as well as my mind.  I have listened to people talking about changing our lives through thought and mind.  fascinating really when you think about it.  I have felt like a victim for so very long.  Always making decisions based on what others would want and enjoy.  Rarely thinking about what I would like to do.  And when I did think about myself I felt guilty.

One of the talks given by Dr. Wayne Dyer - Your Thoughts are Creating Your Reality, resonated with me to my very core.  He talks about rocks and water, and which is stronger.  The rocks will always erode with the touch of constant water covering ever part of their surface.  Water being one of the softest known things...the more you try to hold it, the stronger you are towards it, the less control you have over it.  Yet the softest thing, while gently applying itself, getting into every tiny space that is open to it, will eventually break even the hardest thing. 

Many of my difficulties of the past few years have been because of my wanting to be like a rock.  Standing strong, facing things as head on as possible, often times with very little success.  I have decided that I WILL be water.  Softer, kinder, less judgmental and more forgiving.  Yet not losing myself in the process...but being more of my true self.

I wrote a short email to my brother today, saying that I was sorry about a situation  that arose while we were moving my parents.  Stating that I no longer had hard feelings towards him and hoping that we could heal as a family.  I don't expect to hear from him, but I wanted him to know that I had let go of the feelings that I had held for so very long.

hopefully I can stay soft........