To Surrender

All my life, I can remember my father voicing his fears of the future.  How much he worried about the government, and being able to survive on a fixed income.  How he worried about whether social security benefits would even still be available when he was ready to retire.  I remember him saying how important it was to have  food storage in case of emergency, and seeing the cases and cases of food and supplies that he and my mother would bring home and store in the garage.

His concerns about being able to have a safe place to go if and when another world war broke out, and moving the food that he so obediently purchased to a small piece of property out in the desert.  Far enough away so that it would be a safe place to go to if needed, but close enough so that he could take care of it.  

I remember how much he loved guns, and I will readily admit that I also have his love of them, and how he would go into the garage and spend hours refilling bullet casing.  Melting down silver and carefully pouring them into the molds to make the varying sized bullet heads. He then would carefully press these into their various cases, sealing them tight.  Then lastly carefully pressing the small ignitor into the end of the bullet, making them ready for use.  And how much I loved when he would take "the girls" and not just the boys to the shooting range and teach us how to aim and shoot.

I loved spending time with him.  I remember one year, he invited me to go backpacking with him for a week.  I think I was about 14.  At the time I can remember being so hesitant to go, not certain if it was the week long hike, or the fact that it would have been just he and I, but he ended up going alone.  A decision that I have always regretted.  Now I would love to be able to spend a week alone with just him.  Talking just to him, and getting a better knowledge of him and his many loves.  I would give much to be able to have him fully here with us again.

 He had another fear...one I can remember for so very long. A fear that he would get Alzheimers, and lose himself in the disease.   He even went so far as to be genetically tested to see if he had the gene, which he was told he did not.  

He has been sick for some time now....dementia they call it.  It would seem that not having the gene for one disease, does not give us a clean bill of health if we have told the remaining cells in our body, that they will one day get sick.  

I miss him terribly, but not as much as my loving mother does.   She is an angel in my eyes.  Lovingly taking care of him, helping him daily with so many things we all take for  granted.  Answering the never ending questions, over and over again....sometimes minutes after having just answered the very same one.  The bathroom duty, the sleepless nights, the loss of the one closest to her heart....

We are all alone in life, to one degree or another....let those closest to you KNOW of your love for them.  While they are still with us...and can still hear and understand the words that you tell them

  

alone in this thing called life

emptiness  deep inside 

the space that used to be filled

we are lost to ourselves

and the world around us

where we once were a part

now separate....so far from whole

aching inside

afraid that what once was

may never be again

watching those around us

as they struggle to find themselves

wanting so much to get back

to that  space  deep inside 

to reach that place of centering

afraid to stretch forth a hand

afraid to grasp for things not seen

afraid to rely on some THING

or someone

afraid to look weak

HE is there

ever there

waiting...

waiting to dry the tear stained cheek

waiting to take the outstretched hand

waiting to lift us up

cradling us in His loving arms

if only we would seek Him

what will it take

for us to surrender to His love