I have done much pondering as of late.
I have always felt like a part...searching for the whole. Looking for the place that I fit. Always being told that I did NOT fit. Being told that I was too emotional,
too outgoing, too quiet, too outspoken, too abrasive, too passive.....
I allowed myself to be placed inside a mold that was comfortable to others. Wanting to please everyone, and in the process, losing myself. Over the past 8 years there has been an ever growing discomfort for the box that I was in.
About 4 years ago I started collecting owls. I love them....calm, quiet, wide eyed, taking in all of the world around them. When I began collecting them, I was just drawn to them. I am beginning to understand why. Colton has asked me several times, "If you could be any animal, what would it be?" And I would be an owl.
Owls are amazing creatures. Some very small, almost unnoticed, and some majestic sitting high in the trees, or right out in the open....sitting wide eyed and taking in everything. All the big details, as well as seeing the smallest mouse as it scurries in the grass far below. He sits, watching, waiting, looking all around....then takes action, swooping down from above to take care of things.
I am often asked what is wrong? Why are you mad? When very often I am just deep in thought as I think of the world around me, or of things that are taking place in my life.
I feel like an owl. I can sit quietly thinking and doing my own thing for hours and be very comfortable. Watching everyone as they go about living their lives. Everyone has always
seemed to have a direction...seemed to have a knowing as to what they wanted to do, or be in this life.
The only thing I have ever been certain of, was that I would have children, and that I would be the best mother that I could be....whatever that looked like. I have always been able to feel the world around me. I feel everything....even when I don't want to. I take it all in.
To be told not to feel, not to hurt when someone is hurting, not to want to comfort another that is in pain, or celebrate with another that is feeling joyful, not to cry in a movie....because it's just a dumb movie after all...is like telling you not to breathe.
I LOVE my feelings. All of them. They keep me grounded, I know this now. So if you are not comfortable being around someone that has feelings, that can cry at the drop of a hat, that cries in most movies, that aches to put their arms around you when you are sad....then I am not for you.
If you tell me to stuff my feelings down again...well...my response will be for you to stuff it.
Accept all of me, or none of me. I am an all or nothing package.
1 comment:
They say a really good writer KNOWS what they write is good, don't need to get anyone else' opinion to verify it's value. Congratulations, Elaine, you know yourself now. and what you write is great. Keep it up. but I will miss getting a first look at your things.
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