Near and Dear to my heart......

This blog entry is very near and dear to my heart.  My beautiful youngest daughter Krista, has an amazing story that she would like to share.  I am so happy to be able to have a place for her to do just this.  I want her to know how impressed I am and always have been with her.  She is a joy in my life.  I am so happy that she is at a place in her life, where she feels safe enough to share this.  💖

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Adoption Story

I recently  posted about my twins I placed up for adoption three years ago, and  I’ve had some requests to read my adoption story. I thought I would share here, how I decided to place the twins up for adoption and some of the miracles that followed.

                     

            In 2012 I had just graduated high school and had plans to attend BYU-Idaho. I had been enjoying my summer break in between graduation and heading out on my own. My plans changed pretty quickly after I found out I was pregnant. I was 18 years old at the time. I had been sick off and on for a while and it was not getting better, so I broke down and took a pregnancy test.  Those two little lines made it very clear why I had been so sick.

I remember calling my mom into my room, and asking her some random question about pregnancy trying to gauge her reaction to what I was about to share with her. I told her I was pregnant and we sat and cried together on the edge of my bed for a long time. She wasn’t mad or angry... she just hugged me and cried with me. We got out my patriarchal blessing and read through it together and we talked for a long time. We talked about what it might be like if I decided to stay with the boy I had been dating, and we talked about what it would be like if I decided to keep the baby without getting married, and we talked about placing the baby up for adoption. My mom told me how much she loved me, and how she would support whatever decision I made. My mom ended up sharing the news with my dad, who told the rest of the family for me. I remember the first time my dad told me he knew, he just hugged me and told me how much he loved me and supported me. I can’t begin to explain what their support meant to me throughout everything I was about to go through.

I thought a lot about my options. I could get married, but I didn’t love the father of the baby and I knew I didn’t want to be with him or even tied to him forever. I thought about what it might be like keeping the baby on my own and how hard it would be even though I knew that my family would help me. The same day I took the test and told my mom, I called him to end our relationship. I told him I didn’t want to be with him and that I knew I wasn’t meant to keep the baby. It’s hard for me to explain how I knew adoption was the right path for me because I wasn’t trying to take the easy way out. I knew at that point in my life that I wouldn’t be able to provide the baby with a family that had two parents that loved each other. More importantly, I knew that I wasn’t meant to be the mother in that situation. When I later found out I was having twins, all of these thoughts were more solidified.

           I’m not sure at that time if I really knew what everything meant or that what I was saying made sense, but one thing was clear for me from the beginning, this baby I was carrying did not belong to me. I had a strong feeling the twins had been sent here for someone else, another family struggling to have a baby of their own. That might sound weird to a lot of people, but I can’t explain how distinct and clear that feeling was. I knew this baby was sent to me for a reason and I had a responsibility to find the right parents. Now don’t get me wrong, this didn’t make me any less attached to my babies and it didn’t make any part of placing them up for adoption any easier, but I knew I had to do it.  

            It took a while to get the courage to go to that first doctor’s appointment.  I waited until I was 8 weeks pregnant before my mom went with me to the doctor. I found out I was having twins at my first appointment. We were sitting in the exam room, waiting for the doctor to come in and do an ultrasound. Right before the doctor entered I turned to my mom and said, “watch, I’m probably having twins” she responded with something like “Oh my”. Two minutes later, in walks my doctor who starts doing the ultrasound. As I was trying to figure out what was on the screen, I hear her say “wow, it looks like you’ve got two in there!” I just sat there shocked as I hear my mom mutter some swear word under her breath. Haha bless her soul.

            After telling all my immediate family I was going to place the twins up for adoption my mom and I went down to LDS Family Services. I loved my social worker and had a great experience with LDSFS. After our first appointment, my social worker gave me a log-in to look at all of the families wanting to adopt. I spent the next 3 months looking through those families without feeling any sort of attachment to any of them. One night, lying in bed I came across a family who lived in another city close by. (At this point, I thought I wanted a family in Utah so I could see the twins more often). I reached out to the family and we emailed back and forth for a while. I chose them to adopt my babies and they were really excited. Right after I told them they left to go on a cruise for 2 weeks and told me they would be in contact when they got home. Right after they got home they sent me an email telling me they found out they were pregnant, but would still be open to adopting my twins. When I heard that they were pregnant themselves, I knew they were not the family that was meant to have these two little boys, and I started the process of looking through all the profiles again. I later found out they had twin boys themselves.  By this time, it was November and I was starting to stress. My babies were due in April and I had no idea who their parents were going to be.

            My family was a great support to me throughout this time and was always keeping their ears open for families who might be the perfect fit. My brother in-law Braydon did track at BYU.  One day he was talking to the track secretary, Ann and he told her about my situation.  This was a miracle all by itself since he is very private, and rarely talks about personal things to others. Little did Braydon know, she knew a couple who lived in Kentucky who was struggling with infertility. We later found out that she talked to the couple shortly after, encouraging them not to lose hope and that I was again looking for an adoptive family. 

          When Braydon and Nicole told me about talking to Ann, I said I would be interested in talking to the family in Kentucky, but nothing really happened for a while.  I rarely wanted to journey out of the house because I was always a little afraid of who I might run into, but somehow my family talked me into going to an indoor track meet on the BYU campus. Ann hardly ever went to any of the meets, but on this day she did. Braydon had been talking to her at the track meet and introduced my mom and I to her. She told me all about her friends, Kim and Jeremy from Kentucky and how she would  trust them with any of her own kids. I remember that because that was really huge for me to hear her say that.

 A little while later after that meeting I got a random Facebook message from a lady in Kentucky. She told me who she was and wanted to learn more about me. From there we just started talking a lot. Kim wrote about their journey to adopting the twins on her blog, where I discovered some really amazing things that happened on their end. I didn’t know this but from September to December they knew about me, but had no idea who I was. 

They said they prayed for me, and the babies every night and felt really close and connected to us somehow. They had just taken out a loan that they weren’t supposed to be eligible for, that would cover the cost perfectly for their IVF treatments and on the day they were going to call the clinic, they got a call from  Jessica, Kim's sister and Ann's daughter in law.  She told them Ann had just met me and that they should get approved through LDSFS as soon as possible.  I did not know at the time, but my mom went back and talked to Ann.  She told Ann that the family I had picked out had just fallen through, and that I had to start searching for another family.  She also told Ann that she knew Braydon had been inspired to open up to her for a reason, and that Kim and Jeremy were going to be important in our lives. They were able to get approved for adoption in one month, in a process that normally takes about four months if everything goes well.  This was only possible through a handful of other miracles on their end.  If you would like to read it, here is the link to their part in this story.  http://jeremyandkimwalker.blogspot.com/2014/01/miracle-twins.html

         On my end, I had a very challenging pregnancy. I was super, super sick. My parents were angels and took care of me as I laid on the couch for 9 months straight and threw up every single thing I ate. Looking back, I can see this for the blessing that it was.  It forced me to be calm and quiet for much of my pregnancy.  I am positive that this enabled me to be able to carry them to term, and for allowing them be as big and healthy as they were.  

Finding Kim and Jeremy was a huge relief for me and an answer to my thousands of prayers. It’s hard for me to explain how I knew that they were the right ones but I did. Everything with them fell perfectly into place. They lived far away, which at first I was worried about, but ended up being a big blessing in helping me heal. I told them that I wanted them to adopt the babies over facetime sometime in the middle of January.  We were all very happy. They were able to meet me and my family shortly after at my house in Utah. As we were talking we realized that our great grandfathers on both my father’s and Kim’s father’s sides were siblings, making Kim and I third cousins. We are also more distantly related through Jeremy’s side of the family. Before they came to see me, they had names chosen for the boys. Cade’s middle name Burr is my grandfather’s middle name and McKay’s middle name Holmes comes from the family connection on Jeremy’s side. That gave me a lot of peace knowing that when they were sealed to Kim and Jeremy, they would also be distantly sealed to me and that we are all blood related. 

I had the twins on March 28^th, 2014. I had a scheduled C-Section on a Friday morning.  This was probably the hardest day of the whole pregnancy for me because I knew my time with my babies was over, and I now had to share them with the rest of the world. Everything went good with the delivery. They came out healthy as could be. Two beautiful little boys weighing over 5 pounds each.  Kim and Jeremy had flown in from Kentucky and came into the room a couple hours after delivery to meet the boys. They were the cutest babies I had ever seen. 

I had told Kim and Jeremy they could come meet the boys on Friday, but that I wanted Saturday to spend with them and my family. That Saturday flew by for me and I got all the snuggles I could. My mom spent the first night in the hospital, my dad joined the second night and I chose to keep the babies in the room with us both nights. I don’t think any of us got much sleep those two nights.

           On Sunday, everyone was ready to leave the hospital. The babies were healthy, I was cleared to go home, and Kim and Jeremy were headed to stay with her sister down in the valley for a couple weeks before the babies would be old enough to fly home. Sunday morning, I also had to sign the adoption papers. I did this with my mom and dad in the room as well as all the other officials who had to be there. I do not remember everything that was read to me, except that I signed away my rights through tears. To be honest, looking back I do not know how I did it. It was definitely through the Grace of God that I was able to sign those papers and walk out of that hospital empty handed. That day I went home and sobbed in bed between my mom and dad for hours. It was a very hard day and a feeling I will never forget.

            Right before Kim and Jeremy flew home, when the boys were two weeks old I got all ready for the first time and drove with my mom down to see them. I loved on them and said my final goodbye’s before they flew home to Kentucky. I could feel the love they were surrounded by, and this gave me a lot of peace and comfort. 

          I know I had an ideal situation with the strong support that my family gave me. Especially my mom and dad. They were both perfect for me during this whole situation, showering me in love and always supporting me. I was able to keep my head up by going and seeing friends I hadn’t seen for the past year and trying to have fun again. I delivered the babies in March, and in May I met a wonderful young man that is now my husband. He has been a huge part in my healing and really helped me look to the future.

          Placing a baby up for adoption is no easy task and I don’t think anyone really understands how it feels until they have to go through it. I now have a huge appreciation for all birth moms and the sacrifices they make on a daily basis. I am also so grateful for the twins’ parents, Kim & Jeremy, who have always given them so much love. I have seen the twins four times since placing them and every time it gets better! They are the biggest sweet hearts. I know choosing Kim and Jeremy to be their parents was no coincidence and Heavenly Father lead me to them for a reason. The twins look a lot like them and people tell them so all the time. Adoption is an amazing gift and I am so grateful it was part of my plan here on earth.

There is much to learn, in the not doing

I was talking to my daughter the other day about taking a vacation.  She had been visiting with us for the past week, and remarked about how un-rested vacations seemed to be.  She then went on to say that she liked it though because she wanted to fit in as many things as she could before going home, and how she didn't want to waste any time.

I told her how much I needed a vacation, and how I would love to just be on a sandy beach somewhere lying in a cabana enjoying the sound of the ocean.  How nice it sounded just to rest and recharge.  She agreed, but then added...that would be fun for a little bit then I would have to find something exciting to do.

I think back to so many trips I have been on.  Trying to do and see as much as possible in the little time that we would allow ourselves.  How rushed it all seemed to be.  I think of the street markets I have been to with others.  Feeling as if we were trying as quickly as possible to get through it all and just wanting to slow down and take it all in.  

I have come to know that I learn and gain understanding through touch and feel.  Rushing past all those booths and not being able to touch that beautiful silky skirt, or pick up that bar of handmade soap and breathe in its intoxicating aroma... was almost painful.  

I remember having a rabbits foot when I was about 10.  I got such a hard time when I carried it around, but I can remember how much I loved the softness of it.  The feel of it in my hand.  It was almost hypnotizing. Even now, if I am wearing something soft, you can often find me absent mindedly running it through my fingers. 

I went to dinner with a friend the other night, and before hand we had stopped at Rocky Mountain Chocolate, and picked out a few of their amazing candies.  The only one I chose was a dark chocolate truffle.  After we ate he pulled out the bag containing them, and I cut a small piece off of it.  As it softened in my mouth, melting into sweet deliciousness, I found myself closing my eyes lost in the sensations....mmmm   It was truly amazing.

Life is too short to keep rushing.  Always trying to get done all the things that "must be done" in order to enjoy the 30 minutes of relaxation before I drop into bed, only to wake up and do it all again.  I plan on enjoying those wildflowers flowing across the meadow,  smelling all those lovely little bottles of essential oils, watching the fireflies at dusk if I am blessed enough to find any, closing my eyes eating truffles every now and then....and quite possibly sail away into the sunset towards that cabana.  

  

If you ever see me and it looks like I am not doing anything, rest assured that there is much I am doing, in the not doing.

To Surrender

All my life, I can remember my father voicing his fears of the future.  How much he worried about the government, and being able to survive on a fixed income.  How he worried about whether social security benefits would even still be available when he was ready to retire.  I remember him saying how important it was to have  food storage in case of emergency, and seeing the cases and cases of food and supplies that he and my mother would bring home and store in the garage.

His concerns about being able to have a safe place to go if and when another world war broke out, and moving the food that he so obediently purchased to a small piece of property out in the desert.  Far enough away so that it would be a safe place to go to if needed, but close enough so that he could take care of it.  

I remember how much he loved guns, and I will readily admit that I also have his love of them, and how he would go into the garage and spend hours refilling bullet casing.  Melting down silver and carefully pouring them into the molds to make the varying sized bullet heads. He then would carefully press these into their various cases, sealing them tight.  Then lastly carefully pressing the small ignitor into the end of the bullet, making them ready for use.  And how much I loved when he would take "the girls" and not just the boys to the shooting range and teach us how to aim and shoot.

I loved spending time with him.  I remember one year, he invited me to go backpacking with him for a week.  I think I was about 14.  At the time I can remember being so hesitant to go, not certain if it was the week long hike, or the fact that it would have been just he and I, but he ended up going alone.  A decision that I have always regretted.  Now I would love to be able to spend a week alone with just him.  Talking just to him, and getting a better knowledge of him and his many loves.  I would give much to be able to have him fully here with us again.

 He had another fear...one I can remember for so very long. A fear that he would get Alzheimers, and lose himself in the disease.   He even went so far as to be genetically tested to see if he had the gene, which he was told he did not.  

He has been sick for some time now....dementia they call it.  It would seem that not having the gene for one disease, does not give us a clean bill of health if we have told the remaining cells in our body, that they will one day get sick.  

I miss him terribly, but not as much as my loving mother does.   She is an angel in my eyes.  Lovingly taking care of him, helping him daily with so many things we all take for  granted.  Answering the never ending questions, over and over again....sometimes minutes after having just answered the very same one.  The bathroom duty, the sleepless nights, the loss of the one closest to her heart....

We are all alone in life, to one degree or another....let those closest to you KNOW of your love for them.  While they are still with us...and can still hear and understand the words that you tell them

  

alone in this thing called life

emptiness  deep inside 

the space that used to be filled

we are lost to ourselves

and the world around us

where we once were a part

now separate....so far from whole

aching inside

afraid that what once was

may never be again

watching those around us

as they struggle to find themselves

wanting so much to get back

to that  space  deep inside 

to reach that place of centering

afraid to stretch forth a hand

afraid to grasp for things not seen

afraid to rely on some THING

or someone

afraid to look weak

HE is there

ever there

waiting...

waiting to dry the tear stained cheek

waiting to take the outstretched hand

waiting to lift us up

cradling us in His loving arms

if only we would seek Him

what will it take

for us to surrender to His love

There will be no stuffing.....

I have done much pondering as of late.

I have always felt like a part...searching for the whole.  Looking for the place that I fit.  Always being told that I did NOT fit.  Being told that I was too emotional,

too outgoing, too quiet, too outspoken,  too abrasive, too passive.....

I allowed myself to be placed inside a mold that was comfortable to others. Wanting to please everyone, and in the process, losing myself.  Over the past 8 years there has been an ever growing discomfort for the box that I was in.

About 4 years ago I started collecting owls.  I love them....calm, quiet, wide eyed, taking in all of the world around them.  When I began collecting them, I was just drawn to them.  I am beginning to understand why.  Colton has asked me several times, "If you could be any animal, what would it  be?"  And I would be an owl.  

Owls are amazing creatures.  Some very small, almost unnoticed, and some majestic sitting high in the trees, or right  out in the open....sitting wide eyed and taking in everything.  All the big details, as well as  seeing the smallest mouse as it scurries in the grass far below.  He sits, watching, waiting, looking all around....then takes action, swooping down from above to take care of things.

I am often asked what is wrong?  Why are you mad?  When very often I am just deep in thought as I think of the world around me, or of  things that are taking place in my life.

I feel like an owl.  I can sit quietly thinking and doing my own thing for hours and be very  comfortable.  Watching everyone as they go about living their lives.  Everyone has always

seemed to have a direction...seemed to have a knowing as to what they wanted to do, or be in this life.  

The only thing I have ever been certain of, was that I would have children, and that I would be the best mother that I could be....whatever that looked like. I have always been able to feel the world around me.  I feel everything....even when I don't want to.  I take it all in.  

To be told not to feel, not to hurt when someone is hurting, not to want to comfort another that is in pain, or celebrate with another that is feeling joyful, not to cry in a movie....because it's just a dumb movie after all...is like telling you not to breathe.

I LOVE my feelings.  All of them.  They keep me grounded, I know this now.  So if you are  not comfortable being around someone that has feelings, that can cry at the drop of a hat, that cries in most movies, that aches to put their arms around you when you are sad....then I am not for you.  

If you tell me to stuff my feelings down again...well...my response will be for you to stuff it.

Accept all of me, or none of me.  I am an all or nothing package.